You're Joking
by ThatFilmStudent
Summary: Sirius is distressed and convinced that only James can help him now. He doesn't know why Remus keeps dismissing his attempts at asking him on a date. James and Sirius recount some of the times Sirius has tried to get Remus on a date with him and what went wrong. Remus/Sirius pre-slash.


**You're Joking –  
24.07.16/25.07.16/08.08.16 (edited on 30.08.16)**

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters.**

* * *

"Prongs!" shouted one very flustered and exasperated seventh year Gryffindor. Sirius Black sat across from a messy raven-haired boy and stared at him expectantly. When he received no reply, he huffed and continued. "I have a problem," he declared staring off into the distance dramatically.

"Mhm… What's new?" replied the messy haired Gryffindor disinterestedly. James Potter stared down at his parchment in a bored manner. He had been working on the essay in front of him for nearly two hours by then. "You have many," he grinned and chuckled to himself.

Sirius looked back at his best mate and glared. When James paid him no attention and instead picked up a book, Sirius swatted it out of his hand and smirked when it hit the floor with a loud thump.

James looked up, startled at first, before he realised what had happened to the old tome. He looked at the book on the floor with disappointment. Like it was the book's fault for being on the floor. He turned his attention back to Sirius and half-heartedly glared at him before he slumped back in his chair in defeat and gave his full attention to Sirius.

"James Potter! You should have more respect for school property! You're Head Boy, now. Remember?" said a fiery redheaded girl as she picked up the old tome from the floor and stared at James. James, attention now fully on the girl before him nodded dumbly and stuttered out an apology. "Just… don't throw the books on the floor again," she chastised exasperatedly as she handed to book back to him.

He took the book, nearly dropping it as he had momentarily forgotten how heavy the book was. He fumbled with it as she sighed, flipped her hair behind her and walked back to the couch she was on, at the opposite end of the common room.

James watched after her for a little longer as he put the book back on the table. When he was finished, he turned back to see Sirius sniggering at him. James kicked his shin from under the table and felt quite satisfied when Sirius yelped in pain.

"Ow! Ya git! What was that for?!" Sirius pouted and frowned as he rubbed his shin.

"You! Getting me into trouble with Lily!" he said in a hushed tone. "Besides, you've got the same face whenever a **certain someone** walks into the room."

"I do not!" he defended weakly. He knew James' statement had an air of truth to it. "Honestly, I don't know why you're fretting. Haven't you got the date with her already?"

James nodded as he shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah… But she could still cancel," he looked back to Sirius who was now casually leaning back in his chair. James had to fight the urge to thrust his foot forward into the chair leg and make Sirius topple backwards. "What did you want anyway?" he asked, suddenly remembering why Sirius was sitting there.

Sirius brought his chair back on all fours as he leaned across the table conspiratorially. He flicked his gaze around the common room suspiciously before answering. "I need help."

James waited for him to carry on. A few moments of silence passed before James finally broke it with a loud sigh. "Right. With what?" he asked only slightly annoyed at his friend for his dramatics.

Sirius smirked at him. "I'm getting nowhere," he informed as he leaned back on his chair again. "With Moony, I mean. I don't know what to do," he said truthfully. "I know he fancies me. I mean, c'mon," he said smugly as he gestured to himself with his spare hand – the other clasped to the table for balance. "But he doesn't say yes whenever I ask. It's the second Hogsmeade weekend coming up and I want him to go with me. So, I need your help."

James studied his friend. Sirius actually looked distressed at his lack of progress. He had had a crush on Remus since the beginning of sixth year and he'd been asking Remus out since the February of their sixth year. It was now November of their seventh year. It was much too long to go without having made **any** progress whatsoever. James knew that himself.

"Why do you need **my** help?" James asked curiously.

"Well, you got Evans didn't you?" he asked obviously. "I just want to know how. You charmed her? What spell did you use?"

"What? No! I didn't charm her. Well, I did," he huffed a laugh. "Just not with magic…"

"Whatever. What do I do? Why hasn't he said yes yet?" Sirius asked, slight worry in his voice. He just wanted to be with Remus. He often thought that maybe Remus didn't like him that way after all and he was wasting his time. But Sirius wasn't a quitter. He would keep trying until Remus told him outright that he didn't fancy him. And maybe a couple of times after that. To be sure.

James sighed and leaned forward on the desk to look at Sirius closer. Sirius dropped his chair to all four legs again and leaned forward to meet James' gaze intently. Their faces were mere inches apart.

"He thinks you're joking," James stated simply before he leaned back and watched Sirius.

Sirius, who was still leaning forward on the table, slowly pushed himself back as he frowned in puzzlement. When the words finally sunk in, realisation dawned on him and Sirius only briefly noticed that James was snickering at him as he worked it out.

"What? What d'you mean? He thinks I'm joking? How could he think that?" Sirius asked incredulously.

James stared at his friend, mouth gaping. Sirius looked genuinely confused. How could he be confused? He's never exactly asked seriously before. What if Sirius thought he had?

"Really?" James said quietly. "How could he think that?" he repeated. "Sirius," he said strongly, this gained Sirius' attention again. "Think back to the last few times you asked him," he urged.

Sirius racked his brain back to the last three times he had asked Remus out. He noticed nothing out of the ordinary. He couldn't find a fault with how he'd asked.

James, knowing Sirius as well as he did, noticed that Sirius still genuinely didn't understand what he'd done wrong. He sighed as he sat up straight and took on his 'Head Boy posture'. He looked at Sirius and waited for Sirius to sit up slightly straighter too.

"Sirius, let's revisit the last few times, shall we?" James asked in his Head Boy voice. Sirius, instead of making fun of him, nodded and looked at James with a scary amount of concentration. "Shall we go back to the first time you asked him out? It was in Transfiguration, I think."

Sirius tried to remember back to the first time he'd ever asked Remus out. He had done it out of a whim as he didn't want to chicken out of asking him.

 **X-X-X-X-X**

 ** _Friday 11_** ** _th_** ** _February, 1977: The First Time Sirius Asked Remus Out_**

 _Remus sat next to Lily Evans in Transfiguration. Sirius sat at the back of the class trying to decide how best to ask Remus out. He decided that pining forever (he realised that it had only been about 5 months, which was not 'forever', but still, he couldn't see his interest dissipating - which it usually would by the end of the first month) did not appeal to him and had decided that he needed to ask Remus out. For the sake of his own sanity. Cards and chocolate wouldn't work. Well, maybe chocolate would. But it wasn't good enough, in Sirius' opinion._

 _Lily and Remus sat at the second table from the front, laughing._

 _"_ _How are you asking Evans out this Valentine's day?" Sirius asked James who was currently trying to turn his desk into a muggle farm animal of some sort._

 _"_ _I dunno," he muttered back. "I was thinking of giving her a dozen roses in the Great Hall tonight."_

 _Sirius hid his amused smile behind his hand. He knew Evans would say no to that. She wasn't one for big shows of affection and James asking her out in front of the entire student and teacher population was a big show. Even Sirius knew that, and he wasn't even interested in the girl. He dropped his elbow on his desk as he rested his cheek on his fist and stared at Remus in contemplation._

 _Then an idea struck him. A brilliant idea. A fantastic idea. A simple idea. Remus didn't like big shows either, Sirius knew. He jumped off his chair, stumbling slightly as his foot got caught in a bag strap. He righted himself and made his way to Remus._

 _He whirled around the front of the desk to face Remus and grinned charmingly at the boy. It was a grin he knew was charming as it had worked on a couple of people before; he just had an appeal that seemed to draw people to him. He leaned on Remus' desk. He glanced at Lily, who was narrowing her eyes at him warily. He winked at her and looked back to Remus, but not before noticing the slight blush in her cheeks._

 _"_ _Hi," he smiled cheekily. He looked Remus up and down – well, from his head to the top of the desk which covered the rest of him – and back up to meet his gaze._

 _Remus stared at him for a moment. "Hello," he said finally, staring at Sirius in perplexity._

 _"_ _How are ya doing?" he asked easily._

 _Remus kept his bemused face and frowned in puzzlement. "Quite fine," he answered, confusion clear in his voice. "Yourself?"_

 _"_ _Good. Yep, good…" Sirius said as he casually looked around the room and nodded. He turned his eyes back to Remus suddenly. "So, Happy Valentine's Day," he beamed._

 _A smile tugged at Remus' lips. "Padfoot, that's in a few days," he said matter of fact-like._

 _Sirius' smile faltered slightly before he beamed again. "Right. I know," he said quickly and shrugged nonchalantly. "I was just wondering if you were going with someone on the Valentine's Hogsmeade trip tomorrow. And if not, would you like to go with me?" he said as he pointed at himself._

 _Remus opened and closed his mouth a couple times as he tried to think of an answer. He tried to hide his amused smirk but was unsuccessful. "Padfoot, I'm already going with you," he laughed. Sirius' grin widened – if that was possible. "And James. And Peter. We organised this the other day," he grinned. Remus seemed completely oblivious to Sirius' smile turning into a concentrated frown._

 _Sirius brow creased as he remembered the very conversation Remus was referring to. They_ ** _had_** _all made plans to spend the time at Hogsmeade together;_ _stocking up on prank and sweet supplies, and then going to The Three Broomsticks for lunch and a drink._ ** _Fuck_** _, he thought as he mentally kicked himself. He nodded at Remus and Evans, and walked back to his table. His brilliant and simple plan had failed._

 **X-X-X-X-X**

Sirius smirked as he remembered a particular part of that moment. "Yeah, I remember that," he laughed. "I made Evans blush," he said smugly.

James glared at him. "Yeah, I know. You've told me. Repeatedly," he said through gritted teeth. He wasn't really annoyed that Sirius had made Lily blush. It was more that Sirius was a smug git about it. "Anyway," he said, steering the conversation back to the topic at hand. "What happened then that was bad?"

Sirius licked his lip as he thought about what he'd done. He finally shrugged and answered. "I dunno. I'd already made plans with him. That was a pretty big problem," he shrugged again.

James nodded slowly. That was true. Making friend-type-plans with him probably wasn't the best way to make romantic-type-plans with him.

"Right. That's… Yeah, that's right… How about we talk about the 'May incident'?"

"Okay…" Sirius said slowly. He couldn't forget the May incident.

 **X-X-X-X-X**

 ** _The May Incident: The Seventh Time Sirius Asked Remus Out_**

 _Exams were just around the corner – their first year of N.E.W.T.s to be exact, and they had sort-of-practice exams – and Sirius knew Remus was worrying about them. Remus was always worrying about exams despite his way above average intelligence._

 _It was too nice a day to be stuck inside. So, the Marauder's plus Lily and Alice Bones (Remus had somehow managed to get them to study with him while the rest of the Marauders were around) sat underneath the Marauder's favourite tree by the lake. The spring breeze making the tree's leaves rustle providing the background noise as they sat there quietly._

 _Sirius sat and watched Remus and Lily interact. They were going through a book together and discussing something boring about it. Honestly, Sirius wasn't paying attention to what they were talking about. He was thinking up a new plan to ask Remus out. He had tried a number of different ways since February and none had been successful. But he was determined; he was a Gryffindor, after all. And Gryffindor's don't give up the fight._

 _The last six times had been unsuccessful and something always seemed to foil his plans and attempts. Well, apart from that one time when Remus just plain said "no," and carried on reading his book. But Sirius didn't count that time._

 _Then an idea struck Sirius. A fairly good idea, if Remus was the jealous type._

 _Sirius got up quickly – arousing the attention of those around him, Remus included – and stomped off a little ways down the lake to Anna Schmanker, a seventh year Hufflepuff. She was standing by the lake looking out at it peacefully._

 _"_ _Hey, Anna," Sirius grinned at her charmingly when he'd finally made it to her. She whirled round and scowled at him. Suspicion was clearly visible on her face. "How ya doin'?" he asked, not deterred by her tense posture._

 _"_ _Fine," she said flatly. "I'm just waiting for someone."_

 _Sirius nodded his understanding. He glanced over to see the whole group watching him intently. James snickering, Peter dumbstruck, Alice wondering why everyone was staring at him, Lily frowning, and Remus watching intently while hiding a smile. He smirked to himself; he'd gotten Remus' attention._

 _"_ _What d'ya want, Black?" she asked in a harsh tone._

 _Sirius was a bit taken aback. He didn't understand her hostility towards him. "Nothing. I was just wondering if you fancied a walk around the lake," he waggled his brow at her and received a glare._

 _"_ _Why would I want to do that?" she sneered. "After your last 'walk'?"_

 _Sirius tried to recall what she was talking about but he couldn't remember it. "Wha?" he asked dumbly._

 _"_ _You're the last person I would date, Sirius Black. Not only did you go out with my friend and dump her, you come to me now and ask me for a 'walk'?" she asked in hard disbelief._

 _She went to storm away but Sirius asked, "What're you talking about? I haven't been on a 'walk' with any Hufflepuff's before, have I?" Sirius thought for a moment. "Well, there was Belinda Carlisle," he muttered to himself but Anna heard._

 _She stopped in her tracks and whirled round to face him again. "Yes, Belinda! How could you not remember? You dated for at least two weeks!" she squawked. "Ugh, you're such a piggin' idiot!" And with that, she pushed Sirius in frustration._

 _He stumbled back to the edge of the lake and had nearly fallen in but caught himself before he did. Anna, having seen this, smirked and stepped forward to push him again. Sirius saw this and knew he wasn't going to be getting out of this. He knew he would fall in as he didn't have enough time to get out of her way. As she launched towards him, he grabbed her arm and together they tumbled over the edge and fell into the lake with a big splash._

 _When Sirius resurfaced, he looked over to see Anna spluttering and swearing at him; cursing some violent words that Sirius didn't even know girls knew! She swam to the edge and climbed out skilfully._

 _"_ _Fuck's sake," she muttered to herself as she climbed out and stood up. She looked down at her clothes in disgust. "You're a fuckin' cretin, Black!" she squealed as she glared at Sirius. She huffed and stormed off back to the castle._

 _Sirius hovered in the water, keeping himself afloat as he stared after her. What had he done? Carlisle was hardly a memorable person. Besides he'd only kissed the girl once. And, they had both decided it wasn't working! It was definitely less than a fortnight; he would hardly say they dated._

 _"_ _You okay?" asked a soothing voice from the water's edge, effectively pulling Sirius from his thoughts._

 _Sirius looked up to see Remus smiling containing his amusement as best he could and James snickering without any sign of trying to hide how funny he found Sirius' predicament. "That girl has some serious problems," Sirius mumbled as he swam towards Remus. Remus laughed as he and James helped pull Sirius out of the water._

 _Once Sirius was out of the water, he plonked himself down at the edge on the grass. He couldn't be bothered to trudge up to the dorms to change yet. James sat down next to him on one side and burst into a new fit of giggles. Sirius glared at him and gave him a small whack on the leg, which only fuelled James' laughter._

 _Remus took his cloak off and put it around Sirius' shoulders._

 _"_ _Thanks," he muttered as Remus sat down next to him on his other side._

 _"_ _What did you say to her?" James asked once his laughing fit had calmed._

 _"_ _Nothing!" Sirius exclaimed. "I just asked her to go on a walk with me!" he said, peeking over to his side to see Remus' reaction. He was disappointed to see no negative reaction, just Remus starting to snicker at him._

 _After a few moments, James had finally calmed down and the three of them were staring over the lake in placid silence. Sirius turned to Remus. "Jealous yet?" he asked bluntly. He figured he should know whether his plan worked or not since Remus was an enigma wrapped in a mystery. "Fancy that date now?" he smirked._

 _Remus smiled and shook his head as he looked over the lake. He turned to face Sirius. "Nope," he said monotonously before turning and looking back out at the lake._

 _Sirius heard James chuckle behind him and promptly elbowed him. After a little while, Sirius began to shiver from the breeze being a hell of a lot colder when he was soaked in dirty lake water. Remus stood up and put his hand out. "You should go get changed," he said as Sirius took his hand and was pulled up._

 _Sirius nodded and trudged slowly back up to the castle and up to the Gryffindor tower alone, still wearing Remus' cloak around his shoulders._ _ **Well, jealousy didn't work**_ _, he thought as he made his way and began to think up a new plan._

 **X-X-X-X-X**

James noticed the slight wince on Sirius face. He reckoned it was him remembering being soaked and freezing and unintendedly but brutally shot down by Remus. James knew that his plan had been awful though. Even if Remus was the jealous type, he wouldn't have shown it.

"Yeah, I dunno what I was thinking with that one…" Sirius said quietly.

"Yeah, neither do I," James replied honestly, temporarily dropping his Head Boy posture. He straightened up again. "Let's go to the last time you asked him out. Yeah? The last time you asked him out was," James pretended to think for a moment, "aha! It was in the Great Hall, remember that?"

Sirius tutted at his friend's amateur dramatics before he thought back to it. It was only a couple of days ago. Monday morning, if he recalled correctly.

 **X-X-X-X-X**

 ** _Monday Morning: The Last Time Sirius Asked Remus Out_**

 _Sirius saw Remus sitting at the Gryffindor table next to Peter and across from Lily and James when he burst through the door lavishly. People watched him as he walked down the aisle and took a seat at the table. But, instead of sitting next to James, like he usually did, he sat next to Remus._

 _Sirius had a plan. A good plan. A plan that would definitely work. His earlier and more subtle attempts had failed him and he decided it was time to 'go big or go home'. He was going to put on a show._

 _He nudged the Werewolf's arm to gain his attention. Attention which he hadn't known he'd already garnered. When he looked at Remus, he saw he was being frowned at._

 _"_ _What?" he asked, slightly confused as to why he was being stared at._

 _Remus' frown disappeared as he shrugged lightly and returned to his food. After a moment, everyone else had turned back to their food apart from James and Lily._

 _James raised a questioning brow, to which Sirius replied with a smirk. James nodded and picked up a slice of bread before dipping it into his fried egg and chomping on it. James knew the look. Lily, however, looked thoroughly confused since Sirius and James had just had one of their silent conversations and no one was asking why Sirius was sitting next to Remus._

 _Sirius sat tapping his foot under the table in anticipation. He was waiting for the big reveal. The big thing to happen. His foot stilled when he felt a hand on his thigh near his knee. He looked down and followed the hand, along the arm and up to Remus. Sirius smiled at him innocently._

 _"_ _What's happening?" Remus asked suspiciously._

 _"_ _I don't know what you mean," Sirius replied coolly, trying to keep the bubbling feeling inside of him down._

 _"_ _Mhm," Remus hummed as he took his hand away from Sirius' thigh. Sirius felt a spark of disappointment at the cold that had taken over that spot on his knee. He grabbed Remus' wrist and checked his watch: 8:34am. The mail would arrive soon. He inwardly squealed and kept his eye on the door._

 _He didn't have to wait long. Soon enough the Great Hall doors opened and flocks of owls swooped in. Snowy, tawny, black, brown with spots, all kinds of owls flew around the Hall. No body paid any mind to them. This was a usual thing by now._

 _However, people started to pay attention when the owls started descending all along to the Gryffindor table – pointedly ignoring the calls from their owners from other tables or along the Gryffindor table itself – and waited in line along the length of the table. The owls that couldn't wait in line on the table flew around it waiting for an opening to settle down in._

 _The owls started to shuffle along, each one stopping in front of Remus, bowing and dropping off bits of parchment for him. He frowned at the masses of owls that kept stopping in front of his plate, but he gave each bird a piece of his food, took the parchment, and moved onto the next one as they flew away, out of the Great Hall._

 _People along the Gryffindor table stared at him – some bewildered, some in awe, some giggling and laughing, and some glaring. James sat across from Remus, laughing like a madman; Sirius grinned at his amazing plan, and Peter tried to avoid being batted by the wings as the birds flew away while snickering. Lily joined the rest of the table in glaring at Sirius. But he didn't care, Remus was paying attention and his plan had worked._

 _His plan which he had worked pretty damn hard on, by the way. He'd charmed all of the birds to take one specific note to Remus at exactly 8:41am. And, to his relief, it had worked. He wasn't the best at Charms – Peter was fairly adept at it – and he was glad it had worked and gone smoothly._

 _When all of the owls had finished dropping off the parchments, they flew out and left the Hall behind. Immediately people starting complaining or whispering about what had happened. Remus stared at his pile of mail. It was tall and would have toppled over had it not been put in two separate piles._

 _"_ _What is it? What do they say?" asked Mary Macdonald who sat next to Lily._

 _Remus looked at her, shrugged, and returned to his meal. Sirius stared at him in disbelief and James' guffawing became louder._

 _Once James's laughter had died down to a couple of sniggers now and then, Lily looked at Sirius and frowned suspiciously. She turned to Remus and smiled._

 _"_ _May I?" Lily asked politely, gesturing to the piles. Remus nodded and she took one. She opened it up and read through it carefully. Her eyebrow quirked as an amused smirk crossed her face. She looked up at Sirius, then to Remus, then back at Sirius. James read over her shoulder and started sniggering again._

 _Lily cleared her throat lightly and read. "Go out with me? Sirius." She read aloud for Remus. She folded the parchment back up and returned it to the pile. She picked up a couple more before returning them to the piles. "They all say that," she told the group but looked between Remus and Sirius as she said it._

 _Sirius flushed a little and shrugged modestly._

 _Remus looked at him with a blank expression. "Good one," he stated simply before returning to his food leaving a very bewildered and disappointed Gryffindor._

 **X-X-X-X-X**

Sirius frowned as he remembered what had happened. It was not as brilliant a plan as he had thought it was.

James coughed loudly and broke Sirius from his reverie. "So, what have we learned today?" James asked slowly and deliberately as if he were talking to a small child. He raised his eyebrows and held out his hand – palms up – in expectation.

Sirius panicked for a moment. His eyes wide and his breathing quickening slightly. He didn't know what he was supposed to have learnt. He'd tried everything. He'd asked casually, he'd tried jealousy, and he'd made a big show. How could Remus still think he was joking? He'd ran out of options! What was he meant to do now?

"I don't know," he finally mumbled as he worried his lip.

James sighed and dropped his hands. He slumped in his chair, dropping his 'Head Boy posture' as he carefully inspected his best mate and almost-brother. Sirius' panic-stricken face was hard to look at. Sirius, he realised, genuinely had no idea what to do. James knew he had to help.

"Sirius," he said after a while. Sirius looked up at him hopefully. "He thinks you're joking because every time you've asked, you've laughed it off afterwards."

"Really? So what do I do?!" Sirius asked desperately.

"Show him you're-" he stopped himself before he could say serious. "Not joking," he replaced.

"How?" he asked urgently.

"I don't know." James sighed. "What went wrong all of the other times?"

Sirius recalled the times. "Well, Remus was already going to Hogsmeade with me. And he didn't get jealous. And he thought the owls thing was a prank," Sirius pouted.

"Yeah. Maybe if you just asked him-"

"I did! The first time! I ask all of the time!"

"Yeah, but Pads, you laugh it off afterwards! Or grin that stupid grin that you use on the lasses. No theatrics, Sirius."

"I… How do I ask?"

"Just ask. Don't grin afterwards as if you were joking and don't try to make him jealous. And, Moony's shy. He definitely wouldn't want a big show about it. You **know** that." James stared at his friend.

Sirius gnawed at his bottom lip as he thought. "No laughing?" James nodded. "No trying to make him jealous?" James nodded again. "No big shows?"

"Exactly," James sighed.

"So… Something personal? Something to show him that I'm serious and not doing it as a joke or a prank?" he asked thoughtfully.

"Right," James nodded.

Sirius leaned back in his chair and sat with a thoughtful look on his face. He glanced at James and smiled. "Oh, you can carry on whatever it was you were doing," he said distractedly before the thoughtful expression returned to his features.

James saw the look on his face and knew immediately that Sirius had started thinking of a new plan. He knew that he wouldn't be bothering him for a while, so, he opened his book and turned back to his parchment. This distraction, he realised, was a good thing for him because James knew exactly how to finish his essay.

A few moments later, James started when Sirius clunked his chair back on the floor on all fours and stood up abruptly. "Gotta go, Prongs," he said, rushing towards the stairs to the dorms. "Thanks!" he called behind him as he bounded up the stairs.

James smiled to himself. Sirius had an idea and it might just work, James thought. Especially since he'd helped him, he thought smugly.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading =)**  
 **P.S. I have an idea for a sequel to this. I'm going to write it soon.**


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